Tales of the Karp

[Robert]

"In the town of Kireo, our sister Village, there is a lake full of noithing but Magikarp. In the lake there are nothing over endless Magikarp. The Magikarp are very hard to catch, and very powerful. Ok, now you know the tale of the Karp, well the beggining of it. Now who want's to go to Koreo." Finished the Kureo Village elder.

"We do, we do!" Chanted the Children. "We want Magikarp!" Said the children

"Well I don't want no stinkin' stupi-Karp." Said the bad-tempered, good haired, prominent eared Seth.
"But Seth, Magikarp our the great and power pre-evolutions of our village Sign: Gyrados." Replied Village Elder Jakeup, his hooked nose, and greasy hair looking twice as ugly as usual.
"Fine, I'll go, but only if I can catch a Stupi-Karp." Bargained Seth

"Of course you can, Seth, Here, Have a Pokeball, and go get your Mudkip." Said Seth's Mom. Seth ran to his house, dashed up stairs, grabbed his Pokeball and ran downstairs.

"I have it, I have Mudkip. Let's go, we need to go. I want a Magikarp." I said panting.
So they went to the Sister Village Kireo, a half mile walk. A quarter mile way there the children were conplaining."Are we there yet?" Whined one kid

"Are we there yet?" asked another. In the distance was Kureo Village.

"We are Here. We're here." Seth exclaimed after another minute or two. They ran to the Lake and got fishing rods

After half an hour they were bored. A ccouple people had caught a Magikarp, others had been slapped in the face. Poor Seth hadn't had a single nibble all day, which really annoyed him

In the next five minutes he got a nibble. "I've got something." He pulled and pulled. Eventually a tail fin came up. "Go Mudkip, get down there."

"Mud, Mud." Said Mudkip proudly at finally having a batlle. Mudkip went down into the water and tackled Magikarp onto the ground. Magikarp used Flail, then Splash to try to get back to the water. Mudkip used tackle to get back on it. Mudkip hopped in front of it and used Mud Slap to get it away from the water. A small, yet effective amount of mud shot at Magikarp, Magikarp was sent flying on the other directions.

"Now, use Tackle, then Water gun." Mudkip Tackled it with a Full body tackle, then shot a Thick stream of water at Magikarp.

Magikarp was now Splashing around helplessly. "Now Mudkip, return." Seth took out his Pokeball and pointed it at Mudkip. A red beam shot from his pokeball and Mudkip was sucked into it."

"Now, Pokeball, catch it." I yelled. I threw a Pokeball at Magikarp. Once, twice, three times it rocked back and forth. Then it shot out at me, I caught the ball. It tried to flop back to the water.

"I'm sick of this, come here you supid Magikarp, I mean Stupi-Karp." I said Angrily. I went to Magikarp and Picked it up, and stuffed it into my bag. I went to put my Rod back, but I was held up by a Kid with a Trapinch.
"Put back that Magikarp, or prepare to battle."Said the person. I chuckled.

"Well, let's battle." I said. "Go Mudkipp, let's piledrive this fool."

"Trapinch, go use Bite, then Crunch." Trapinch Bit Mudkip, then Bit him again, obviously Harder.

"Mudkip, use Water Gun, then finish with Tackle." Mudkip Sent a Blast of water at Trapinch, then Tackled it with its whole body.

They left and the children didn't conplain because were all talking about there Magikarp. When they were all back at the Village they all went to their respectitive houses. All except Seth, he was chasing after his Magikarp.

Magikarp flopped into the the Gyrados Pond. "Garrrrrrraa." Cried the Garyados. It shot a giant blast of water, not a Water Gun, more of a Hydro Pump.

"No, don't do it." I yelled I shot in front of the blast, protecting Magikarp. The Gyrados did what it wanted to and went away.

"Mudkip, go! Water Gun that Magikarp." I cammanded. For the upteemth time Mudkip sent a blast of water at magikarp.

"OK, please Work. Pokeball, GO!" I yelled as I threw a red and white ball at Magikarp

The Pokeball hit Magikarp, and he was sucked into it. Once, twice, three it rolled back and forth. Then...

Ready for grade.

[Robert]

Introduction: Enough. It tells us where your character is, and gives a bit of background. This part is okay. ^_^

Plot: You don't need much plot with a Magikarp, so this is more than sufficient. The idea of elders, and a village where Gyarados are symbolic and important, is cool.

Grammar: This hurt you. You need to space things out! Your story is all bunched together in one big text-wall, making it hard to read.

Details: For a Magikarp, of course, many details aren't needed. However, as one of the easiest Pokemon to write for on URPG, Magikarp requires only 3k-5k... And you have LESS than this. Your story has 2,140k. Because Magikarp takes soooo little to write for, you should really try to write the 3k minimum for one!

Battle: Well, it's a Magikarp, so it is weak... But you could use some better descriptions. What do Tackle and WaterGun look like, when they are used? What is Magikarping doing? Just flopping around, or trying to splash, or maybe even using Tackle?

Overall: Magikarp Not Captured. I'm sorry, but when a Pokemon requires only 3K to be caught... You should really write that 3K, since it's such a small amount.

[Robert]

Ok, I've edited it. Alot.

[Robert]

Awesome. ^_^ You fixed everything I mentioned, and the battle is MUCH better.

Magikarp Captured.[

[Robert]

Thanks you very much.