Forest Mis-Adventures Chapter 2: Name Pending

[Robert]

I looked at the lake misreably. Five years; it was only five years but it felt longer, he had left his home in an arguement with his father. "Well, that was five years ago, five long, long years," he said frustratedly to his reflection. His reflection looked nothing like it did five years ago.

Five years ago his hair was greasy, his body slim, and everything pale, but now his hair was long, and starting to fall out, his body considerably bigger than it had been(but not fat), and he was very tan from spending all that time outside. He like his appearance better now, but he wished he wasn't in the forest.

He looked at the empty house that he used to lie in. His father moved, a mere two weeks after he left home his father moved to the Orange Islands. His stomach rumbled. He remembered five years of being hungry.

HE then remebered the events of the last five years' events. " Not much, I just got attacked by a Beedrill," he said, bitterly. He, miraculously had gotten away from Beedrill. His stomach rumbled again, he decided it was time for dinner.

"Go, Mudkip, fishing time," he said, throwing Mudkip's Pokeball. Mudkip jumped into the nearby lake. He came out minutes later, carrying five fish from his mouth. Seth went into the forest, looking for wood, and rocks to light a fire.

He found many rocks and sticks to light a fire. HE was satisfied, as he walked back to Mudkip, with his firewood. He sat down next to Mudkip, and rubbed the rocks together, and piled the wood in a pile.

A spark came from the rocks, followed by several sparks. They hit the wood, and a fire roared. He roasted the fish, and ate it. He looked at Mudkip, and said, "Good job with catching the fish, they were delicous."

"Mudkip, mud," Mudkip cried, with a thing that looked like a smile. Then Seth heard a disturbance. Was it a Pokemon?
But he couldn't have a proper look, because a figuire wearing a black uniform with a superimposed R on the chest.

He let go a cry of glee, grabbed the pokemon, and jumped into a helicopter, leaving the ladder dangling out of it. I jumped onto it, and climbed up it. I was determined to get the pokemon back. I saw the silhoutte that looked like a deer, a Stantler?

[Robert]

I was holding onto the ladder for dear life when a face came looked at me through the window, then screamed. The face ran deeper into the helicopter, and told another person, "There's a young man hanging onto the ladder."



Another voice said, "Bring him up, and we'll give him the Choice." Then the door opened, and the ladder was being pulled up the ladder. I looked at him, and got my tongue around the words.

"W-what choice?" I asked, nervously. They both smiled, and one decided to talk.

"Join Team Rocket, or suffer the same fate of the Stantler. Stantler's fate, is to be be killed with this dagger," he said, withdrawing a dagger from his pocket.

"Why kill the gentle beast? Why make him suffer this cruelty." I asked.

The rocket member said, "I take it you're in. Well, there is a legend, about a Stantler. They say if you find a Stantler in a forest, you will become richer than rich. But finding it is not enough. You must destroy it's exsitance, with a silver dagger. That's what we're going to do."

He raised the dagger, I yelled, "N-" but too late, The rocket member raised the dagger, and shoved it into Stantler chest. It gave no blood, no sound, a cut just was there, over the heart.

I threw my Pokeball, and the Rockets threw there's too. One came a Beedrill, the other a Nidorino. I threw my Mudkip,, and ordered it to use Hydro Pump, just as the others use tackle and Poison Sting.

An enormous spout of water erupted from Mudkip's mouth as thin, poison stings came from Beedrill's stingers. Nidorino charged into battle with a full body tackle.

The force of the three attacks caused an explosion of such force that it gave a layer of smoke, and made the helicopter plummeted to the ground. The smoke lifted, and there were Beedrill, Nidorino, and Mudkip in a heapby one of the rocket's foot.

"Return!" I screamed, as the two Rocket's returned their Pokemon, as they scrambled out of the crashed helicopter.

I suddenly found myself in a dream like state. I was in a clearing with Stantler. THe same Stantler that the Rocket's murdered.

Mudkip was at my side. It came apparent what I had to do. I yelled, "Hydro Pump!" Stantler dodged it, and charged with an extremely powerful tackle. It instead of attacking Mudkip attacked me. I ordered for mudkip to attack Stantler, then use Hydro Pump.

Mudkip did exactly as I told him to. HE charged at Stantler, then sent an enormous amount of water at Stantler. Stantler looked weak and limp.

"Pokeball, GO!" I yelled, throwing a Pokeball at Stantler. Once, twice, three times it wiggled. Finally...

Ready for grade

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[Robert]

Introduction: Your introduction was interesting, and drew me in. However, you did switch point of view once. First Person is when you say 'I', and speak as though you were seeing and describing what goes on. Third Person involves a narrator, and all characters are referred to as 'he' or 'she'. You started out briefly in first person, in the first sentence, but then moved into third person. These switches continued throughout the story. While a switch can work sometimes, you should try to make them less frequent. Also, if you want to use both views, try to fluidly move from one to the other, instead of seemingly randomly.


Grammar: Fairly decent. Some spelling errors, but nothing terrible.

Details/Battle: Not enough. Sorry, but for a Stantler, you should have written 20K at the least... Under 5K is not enough to describe much of a battle, or even your surroundings. The details you included were good, but I'd like to see a lot more.
Try to watch how you phrase things, too.

"Join Team Rocket, or suffer the same fate of the Stantler. Stantler's fate, is to be be killed with this dagger," he said, withdrawing a dagger from his pocket.

This sounds a bit stilted. Try to think about how a person would actually speak, and describe the Rocket's actions, too. Not just pulling out the dagger- what's he doing? Sneering? Smirking? Moving forwards malevolently, prepared to stab your main character? Or maybe he's reluctant, perhaps new to being a Rocket, and looks uneasy about using the knife?

"Either you join Team Rocket, or you'll share Stantler's fate," the rocket said, leering at me. I cringed as he dug into his pocket, shoving the fabric about until he found what he had been looking for. As he took a slow, deliberate step forwards, raising a dagger, I realized he really did intend to use it if I wouldn't join.

"I see you've figured out what's going to happen to Stantler." He looked confident, as though sure he had convinced me to join. He was probably used to people giving in right away. I, however, tried to smooth things over.

"Why kill the gentle beast?" I asked, "He might not want to join you, but he's not stopping the team from doing whatever they want."

Obviously, this is just one example of how you could change things up a bit, but try to make your dialogue sound the way people speak. Be very careful, especially, if you mention Fate and such, since it's easy to make things a bit overly dramatic when involving something like that.


Also, avoid redundancy.

He raised the dagger, I yelled, "N-" but too late, The rocket member raised the dagger, and shoved it into Stantler chest. It gave no blood, no sound, a cut just was there, over the heart.
The dagger was already raised... No need to state it again.

Also, think about how this would work. The average male is somewhere around 5'11 or so, right? And Stantler are 4'7. They also stand on 4 legs, and their chest is, well, in front of them. If he stabbed down, he'd hit its head first, as he is taller than it. To hit such a Pokemon in the chest, he'd want to raise it, but not all the way up, and strike straight towards it, as his arms would be around the right height to do this.

Unless, of course, you place the heart somewhere else in Stantler. Since they're a Pokemon, as long as you explain things, there is no 'right' place for organs aside from the obvious ones- Lungs, brain, etc. Heck, maybe Stantler has two hearts, for all we know. Just make it clear where the Pokemon's heart is. Close to the skin? Buried deep inside layers of whatever else lies inside a living being? In the chest? Between the back and stomach? Somewhere else entirely? Let us know.



Length: Very short. 15K too short, in fact... This needs some help. =\ Maybe add to the story? I loved the plot, and would like to see it expanded on.

Overall: Stantler Not Captured.

[Robert]

Sorry, this reminds of something my teacher said. "You might know it, but the others don't. I'll edit it later.