Trash Tales

[Robert]

Notes

For this story, I want a Burmy, even though I capture a Wormadam. I read that you can evolve the Pokemon in story but you don't have to go for that particular Pokemon. Also, I would like a Sandy Cloak Burmy, not a Trash Cloak Burmy like in my story.

Characters:6,411
Pokemon wanted: Burmy
Characters needed: 3-5k

Trash Tales

Robert looked into the garbage can and saw that it was empty, leaving nothing but a rotten banana peel and a few nicks and dent in gray, rusted iron. He walked into his house and looked around. It was not very impressive. The walls were painted peach, while the floor was green tile. The counters were granite, while there was a black gas stove just behind him.

He looked at a mirror on the wall and saw himself. He was a typical skater boy, dirty blond, unkempt hair, skinny, a skull emblazoned shirt that was meant to look like two, with white ‘sleeves’ stitched under the short sleeve shirt. He looked a bit lower and saw a pair of carpenter jeans, then small socks, and finally a pair of vans, jet black, found on the discount rack for $10.

“Hi, Robert, how are you?” his mom sang. She was wearing a blue dress, high heels on, a duster in her hands. She had straightened her usually curly blond hair to silky smooth. Obviously, she was having company tonight.

“Not so great, mom. It’s that dang Burmy again. It’s been eating out of the garbage for the fifth time this week,” he replied, a tone of aggravation located in his baritone voice.

“Oh, darn. Well, I want you to catch it. The company will see it if they stay late, and we wouldn’t want that, would we. Now run along, and take you Staravia. It should do quite nicely. Oh, and be back by five. Be safe!”

And with that he was off, having five hours to catch the Burmy. He knew that there was only one way to catch it; snoop around in other people’s garbage.

The first victim was his next door neighbor. Their trash can was full. It smelled of beer bottles, and that was what it was. To the brim it was filled, reeking of alcohol. He immediately closed the lid and moved on.

The next was equally as disappointing. There’s was already empty, and so was the next, and the next, and every one after that.

And so, he trudged home, disappointed.

Walking up his driveway, he saw a piece of paper floating along in the wind. Robert ran and snatched it out of the wind, and running to the garbage can. He opened the can and saw the exact same Burmy that he’d been looking for all day.
It simply sat there, two little stubbly legs on a fluffy pink body. Protruding from its head was a large, twisted horn, just like a Unicorn’s.

Robert stuck his hand in the garbage can, achieving in getting bitten. His hand was bleeding hot blood, the Burmy running away. Robert threw his Pokeball at it, hitting it right in the head, knocking it over. From a cloud of red vapor emerged his Staravia.

Staravia was covered in black and white feathers. It had two orange feet and an orange beak with a black spot at the tip. On its head there was a small curl.

The Burmy charged, using Hidden Power. Immediately, it used a Thunder Hidden Power, yellow lightning flying in an arc over its head and striking Staravia in mid flight.

Staravia fell to the ground in a blur, wings spread out in awkward positions. Robert rushed to the rescue, pulled out a blue bottle full of invigorating liquid from his pocket. This was a Potion, an item that was used by Pokemon Trainers to heal their Pokemon mid battle.

He knelt down beside Staravia and sprayed the stinging elixir onto Staravia’s wing. Immediately, it rose and chased after the escaping Burmy. The Burmy was rather feisty and sent another Thunder Hidden Power at Staravia, who simply swerved aside and dodged it.

“Agility,” yelled Robert, Staravia darting around Burmy, Agility increasing its speed tenfold. Next, Robert yelled, “Double Team!”

In a circle, twenty Staravia rotated around Burmy. Confused, it shot Hidden Powers at about five, causing them to disappear but only racking its nerves more.

“Now, finish it with Wing Attack,” screamed Robert, blood pumping through his veins.

Staravia flew at Burmy, wings held out like blades. In a last minute attempt at saving itself, Burmy used Protect, hardening its body to rock like proportions.

Staravia rebounded off of Burmy, landing on a patch of dried wheat grass some five feet away. Robert reached into his pocket and found an Oran Berry. He fed it to Staravia, but the Burmy, knowing that now was its chance, attacked using Bug Bite.

The Oran Berry healed Staravia, but the extra health was immediately drained when Burmy jumped at it, pollen glittering off of razor sharp teeth.

The incisors dug deep into the wings of Staravia, red hot blood dripping out of the wound. “Staravia, finish it with Brave Bird!” was the command of Robert.

And finish it Staravia did. Up and up it flew, flying towards the heavens. It sped towards the sky, becoming a tiny dot, and then rocketed back down.

At a million miles per hour it flew a blur of black and white. There was nothing that could stop it from impacting Burmy-except Burmy itself.

Burmy covered itself with as many coats of Protect as possible, even though that would not be enough to save it fully from Brave Bird’s wrath.

Staravia impacted on the ground, sending dirt and Pokemon flying everywhere. Staravia landed at Robert’s feet, while Burmy landed in the trash can.

Both Pokemon were glowing bright white; they were evolving!

Burmy was transforming into a Wormadam, growing a more prominent cloak, and a small stand to balance on. It was growing dark purple shoulder protectors, as well as a protruding beak, while the horn becoming less twisted, and much longer and slender.

Staravia, on the other hand, was evolving into a Staraptor. It grew a considerable amount of height. It had a white plume on its breast, a black zigzag running over it. A veil of red feathers fell on its face from a dark colored hook. The battle was ready to start anew.

Staraptor combined Quick Attack and Aerial Ace. It soared, quick as a bullet, right into Wormadam, knocking it backwards. Wormadam retaliated by firing a Leaf Storm at Staraptor. Sharp as razors, foliage rocketed at Staraptor, slicing feathers off, drawing blood.

Then, Wormadam used Psychic, levitating Staraptor into the air, and then dropping it down, fleeing.

Staraptor flew next to Robert, letting him board it. Staraptor flew and took chase, tracking down the Wormadam barely minutes later. Staraptor let Robert dismount before combining Close Combat and Quick Attack.

Staraptor shot at Wormadam, seemingly going right through it, knocking a large part of it’s cloak off.

The Wormadam fainted, and Robert threw a red and white orb called a Pokeball at it. It rebounded off its trash covered body, and sucked it into the ball, shaking once, twice, three times…

[Robert]

Introduction: Lol, Robert looking in the trashcan was funny, and definitely a good hook. It leads into the story well. Other than that, not much to say. Pass.

Plot: Burmy is eating everyone’s trash (ew :/), and Robert’s mom doesn’t want her company to see the icky little thing snacking on her old bread and bad week-old leftovers, so she tells Robert he’s got five hours to find and catch it. Robert looks for the thing, but only manages to find it by a stroke of random luck. He battles it, and right when it looks like it’s gonna be over, both Burmy and Robert’s Staravia evolve! Staraptor then proceeds to pwn the bejeebus out of Wormadam.

For an Easiest category Mon, this is definitely a good plot. It might be one of the “Trainer looks for X Pokemon and randomly finds it” things, but it doesn’t feel clichéd or overdone. Having both Pokemon evolve instead of just one of them was a good twist too. Pass for this.

Length: You went over the maximum needed number of characters, so uber-Pass here.

Detail: Well, this is all right for an Easiest category Mon, but you could have definitely done better. You gave us the visual stuff and even what one of the garbage cans smelled like, but what about everything else? What did the other garbage cans smell like? How did it feel when the Burmy bit Robert’s hand? What did it sound like when Staravia hit the ground after using that vicious Brave Bird attack?

Anyways, like I said, this area was good enough for something like a Burmy, but in stories for harder Mon, remember to go in-depth when it comes to descriptions of what’s going on. Pass for this.

Grammar/Spelling: This was pretty clean, which is good considering the story wasn’t very long (a lot of errors wouldn’t have been justifiable in something a little over 6k ). Here’s the stuff I spotted:


~”$10” should be spelled out as “ten dollars.”


~Because Robert is referring to his mother by the title mom, it gets capitalized (imagine it’s her name). Thus, “mom” should be “Mom.” When you’re talking about someone else’s family member, that’s when the word remains lowercase. If a person is referring to their own family, the word is capitalized. For example, “His mom told us not to run in and out of the house;” “Mom told us not to keep running in and out so much;” “Her uncle is nice;” “Uncle Josh is nice.”


~First, “achieving in getting bitten” just sounds weird. Try the entire sentence a little: “Robert stuck his hand in the garbage can in order to grab the Pokemon, but instead ended up getting bit.” Next, “the Burmy running away” sort of breaks up the flow of the next sentence; once again, try rewording: “Hot red blood welled up from the wound as Burmy tried to run away.” Finally, the bolded comma should be replaced with “and,” since breaking the sentence up there once more interrupts the flow of the sentence.


~Heh, this isn’t physically possible. I can’t remember the exact speed light travels at, but I know a million miles per hour is WAAAAAAY over it. Any matter moving at even a fraction of that speed would be ripped apart and totally destroyed. If Staravia did somehow manage to work up that sort of speed, it would end up killing itself, and in a very gory, messy manner.


~When you say something flies everywhere, that implies that a lot of it is getting all over the place. Since there are only two Pokemon present, there aren’t enough to go flying everywhere. Try rewording it a little: “Staravia impacted on the ground, sending dirt, Wormadam, and itself flying from the collision.”

There were places where you used a few too many commas, and a lot of places where you could have combined the small groups of sentences into larger paragraphs, but I’m not gonna gripe about that too much. Pass for this.

]B]Battle:

[/B] Nice. Despite the fact that Burmy would so totally die if a Taillow so much as glared at it, this was surprisingly two-sided, especially after both Pokemon evolved. A nice array of moves was used, considering Burmy’s restrictions, and the attacks were described well. You could have used your surroundings a bit more, but all in all, I’m happy with how this was. Pass.

Outcome: I think someone would have to actually try in order to fail catching an Easiest Pokemon XD. Anyways, everything was good for a Burmy, so it should be no surprise when I say Burmy Captured![/U][/I] Enjoy your bagworm .
[/COLOR][/FONT][/QUOTE]

[Robert]

Thanks, TT. Just one thing about the million miles per hour thing. I meant it to be an exaggeration, but I guess I just didn't make it clear enough. Also, the speed of light isn't measured per-hour but instead per-second. It's just that pwnsome.

[Robert]

*Doesn't know basic physics.*

Lol, j/k. It was late when I did this, so sorry about the momentary stupidity. And I didn't know if you were exaggerating or not, so I thought I'd point it out to be on the safe side.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Robert]

It's totally okay. I'm just kinda overun with stories at this point. I have a story deal, and another one. Now that I got rid of the grader test(sent everything in), and I'm done with my infatuation of Burmies, I'm much less stressed.

If you want to continue this convo, PM me, I no likey spam.