The Forest Mis-adventures( Currently Chapter 1)

[Robert]

This is the first of the many series. Forest-misadventures. In this story I will catch some of the easy pokemon found in forests, then I may go onto simple, and so on.

[Robert]

"Dad, can I have some new Pokemon." Asked Seth, a greasy haired, hook nosed boy of around sixteen.

"Go get them yourself!" His bad-tempered, easily angered dad shouted throwing him, a whole bunch of Pokeballs he got for his birthday recently, and his Pokemon in their Pokeballs into the darkening place that was Viridian City

"Stupid little, I just, then he." he muttered angrily as he walked along."How dare he, how could he?" Eventually he came to The Viridian Forest and walked into it.

"Well, I'm really in a sinker, I'm out here. He's in there. Okay, we have two options:Go home, or stay out here and die." he said to himself

He looked at the house up on the hillside, his house. "Stay here and die." he said coming to a conclusion. His dad would kill him if he came home emptyhanded.

The next day he picked a few wildberries for breakfast. "These aren't half bad." He said when he took a bite into the first one. "Wonder what ol' dad, I mean dud, is doing right now."

Two hours later he was getting hungry. He went to the lake. "Mudkip, let's catch some fish." he called throwing Mudkip's Pokeball at the river.

"Good job, Mudkip." he said praisingly to Mudkip half an hour later. "Bellprout, Sushi time." He called throwing Bellsprout's Pokeball.

"Bellsprout, use Razor Leaf to make sushi." he ordered Bellsprout. Twenty minutes later they had a banquet.

"Better than expected, mmm, delicous." he said, eating the delicous sushi. "I can't wait till dinner."

"Well, we'll have to- AHHH HELP, BUG!" he screamed coming across a Caterpie.

He sent out his Mudkip and ordered it to use it's Hydro Pump. Amazingly, Caterpie dodged the gigantic blast of water.

"Fast bug, ain't ya." I said to the Caterpie. Caterpie shot String Shot at Mudkip, then charged for a tackle. "Mudkip, use Hydro Pump, then Tackle it into oblivion." He ordered

Mudkip sent a giant blast of water at Caterpie. Caterpie wasn't as lucky this time. The giant blast of water hit him in head. Then he charged, jumped up, and came down with his full body strength, tackled him.

"Mudkip, return. Good, now Pokeball go." He called, returning Mudkip, and throwing a red and white ball called a Pokeball.

Caterpie was sucked into the ball against its will. Once, twice, three times it rocked back and forth. Then it got out, and tackled Mudkip.

It's full body tackle hit Mudkip in the stomach, and Mudkip was knocked backwards, but it didn't have any permanant effect. "Pokeball, GO!" He shouted

I crossed my fingers. Caterpie was sucked in against it's will. ONce, twice, three times it rocked back and forth. Then it came out and ran away. He looked at his Mudkip, and remembered the first time he met him.

It was kind of an accident, he ws walking along two years ago on this very path, he didn't have any Pokemon, but he had Pokeballs. He threw a Pokeball at it, and it was sucked into it. It didn't do anything, It was caught. Then it came out.

It had a big cut across it's stomach. I ran it to the Pokemon Center, and the nurse patched it up. I tried to release him, but he stayed. He decided I was his trainer.

I sighed, what woyuld happen if he never caught any Pokemon and stayed here for the rest of his life. Then he looked at Bellsprout's Pokeball. He had meant to catch that one.

It was out in the Cerulean Path, newly refurbished. The refurbish part was that it was now a pool. Bellsprout had fell in, and I was the only one that was there. I swam out, and rescued it. An hour later it was as good as new.

It wanted to battle, I sent out Mudkip, Mudkip dodged all it's Razor Leaf, and came up with an amazing Water Gun. I threw out my Pokeball and it was caught.

While I was lost in memory Caterpie crept back. "Huh, what's that? I asked to the Heavens. "Caterpie, oh, Mudkip GO. We'll take, it down this time. Hydro Pump!"

A gigantic blast of water was let loose from Mudkip's mouth hitting Caterpie and knocking him back, then without waiting for the cammand, tackled Caterpie with his full, and considerable strength. "Pokeball, GO!"I roared throwing a Pokeball

Caterpie was sucked into the ball, but it looked like it wanted to be sucked in, as if it liked the sensation of being shrunk and being sucked into a six inch ball. Oncce, twice, three times it rocked back and forth. Then...

Ready For grading

[Robert]

Introduction: Your story has some sort of Introduction, but it's not really very coherent. Try to remember the important parts of every story- Who, What, Where, When, Why (And sometimes how).
These may seem unimportant, or perhaps obvious, but in an introduction, they're very important. These set up the rest of your story.

In this case, someone makes a statement, and has Pokeballs thrown at him. We learn very little about the characters... And why were Pokeballs being thrown at your character, along with Pokemon? If Seth is supposed to be catching his own Pokemon, why does the other character give him some, and Pokeballs? This is a little contradictory.


Grammar/Pace: Your story is rushed, and somewhat confusing. The grammar could also use some work. For example, "Dad, I want Pokemon." is a statement, but you say that Seth 'asked' that. That doesn't really make very much sense. Also, your author's note about gibberish really belongs at the beginning of the story... You should never interrupt the flow to put in a note. Simply note it at the beginning or the end.

After the Pokemon are thrown at him, Seth goes somewhere. It's not described very much, and why don't know why he feels he has to "Stay here and die", either.

Your story moves at a fast pace, which is fine, but it skips some things. Also, if he has Mudkip and other Pokemon, why does he insist he wants Pokemon at the start of the story, and get thrown out? Are those the Pokemon his dad gave him? If they were his dad's Pokemon, won't he at least explain to them why they're suddenly with him, and away from home?


Overall: Caterpie Not Captured. Sorry... But this story was hard to read. Please try to fix your grammar, and slow it down enough to include some important details, please.

[Robert]

Ok, I fixed it up, and put a bit more length onto it. oh, and I just noticed. On your other grade you forgot to put Length

[Robert]

I didn't forget. We can choose what to list... That's only a format suggestion.

Anyway. Your transitions need some work- Your character suddenly decides he's hungry and to fish? Well, okay... But don't tell us, show us. Have his stomach growl, audibly. And try to describe what's going on, and what his Mudkip looks like fishing. How does it catch the fish? With its paws? Its mouth?

Your story is, however, enough for a Caterpie. Caterpie captured. Next time, work on your transitions and details some more.