A Criminal's Flight

[Robert]

Going for:Spearow
Needed: 5-10 k
Length: 6,408

A Criminal's Flight

Inspired by Hatchet

"Get back here you stupid little bird," screamed Robert, chasing after a Spearow flying away with his smartphone in his hands. Robert tripped on a rock while running, and somersaulted into the ground, falling with a rather loud crash, his denym shorts specked with dirt, arms bruised, and blue shirt ripped under the armpit. He picked himself up, gathered up his three Pokeballs that contained a Psyduck, Cyndaquil, and Hoppip, and other spare ones, and ran down the paved road littered with modest houses and gardens that was Pallet Town. He bulleted down the road, flying into people, knocking things out of people's hands, eventually winding up in an endless expanse of green brush that was Viridian Forest.

There had been reports of theft by a Spearow in Pallet Town for weeks, but Robert didn't listen, he left his windows open, and his door unlocked, the vain teenager he was. And when the Spearow finally showed up, it rifled through all his belongings, and instead of taking models or miniatures, it took his smartphone. Robert had walked into his room just soon enough to witness the theft take place, and tried to grab the Spearow. He suceeded in getting his hand Pecked and the Spearow flew out of his window, knocking over several of his items, leaving disaster in its wake. Robert grabbed his Trainer Bag, which contained his Pokemon and extra pokeballs, and chased after the Pokemon, falling over several times in the chase. But now, he was devastated.

Robert groaned at himself, he had foolishly run into a forest, and was now hopelessly lost in it, unable to find anything but himself, but it would have to make do, he was stuck until he got out, and so, he made to attending to his surroundings. First off, he made a shelter, a shabby hut of wooden sticks, one that he could call 'home'. It wasn't quite on par with the one story house he rented with his job at the video store and local McDonald's, but it was a place to sleep and eat. Second, he attended to the matter of food. Since Robert was a strict Vegan, he would have to find some source of berries or other fruit. Luckily, there was an area that was rich in all sorts of different berrie bushes, and so that night, he ate like a king.

Before going to sleep, though, he had to find a source of warmth. He built a bed for the fire, but he just had to find a way to get a source of sparks. He tried to rub two sticks together, but that barely worked. Enraged, he kicked a rock, which impacted on another, making sparks. He picked the two up, and rubbed them together, the sparks jumping into the flames. feeding the flames with his hand like he saw on television, the measly sparks metamorphed into a blazing fire.

Sleeping in his makeshift house, he heard a rustling of leaves that woke him. A shadow was ruffling through his Trainer bag, and was taking a Pokeball. Robert immediatly recognized the shadow as the very same Spearow that stole his iPhone. He was immediatly jolted awake by his own drving willpower, and chased after the Spearow, again grabbing his Pokebag, this time making sure that the Spearow had only taken an empty Pokeball, which luckily, it did. Robert chased the Spearow through the black night, tripping on branches every once in a while. Eventually, the Spearow led him to a clearing, in which a large pile of electronic goods were piled up. There were game Boys and smart phones piled up five feet high. Obviously, this Spearow had some sort of infatuation with electronic goods, but Robert wanted his iPhone and Pokeball back.

Robert reached into his trainer bag, and took a random ball, and through it into the air, the Pokeball's red light illuminating the night, released Robert's Cyndaquil, the Pokeball landing on the ground, cushioned by leaves strewn around the floor of the clearing. "Cyndaquil, jump behind it and use Ember," barked Robert, intent on getting his phone back. Cyndaquil scrambled up behind Spearow and lit up the clearing with a Flamethrower, torching Spearow, and at the same time, angering it.

The little bird used a Wing Attack on Cyndaquil, sending it flying into the pile of stolen goods. Cyndaquil, now outraged at being hit, started jumping at the flying Pokemon, trying to hit it with a Fury Swipes. "Just use Flamethrower on it, and stop the madness," sighed Robert, upset at the fact that his pokemon was an idiot. The little mouse let out a large quatity of fir from its mouth, again, flaming the Spearow. The Spearow then used a Sky Attack on Cyndaquil, knocking it out cold.

"Urgh, go Hop-Hip," screamed Robert, deciding that he had to fight flight with flight. The Hop-Hip, useless as most were, was actually rather valuable as a Pokemon to give status effects to the enemy, "Use Sleep Powder," commanded Robert. Silvery powder enmanated from the tufts of grass on Hop-Hip's head, but Spearow used a Wing Attack on Hop-Hip, and knocked it out of the air, letting it rocket to the ground and fait, though flying through the powder and going toto sleep. Robert, putting all his hopes on this last Pokemon, sent out his Psyduck, arguably his most powerful Pokemon. "Psyduck, use Doubleslap, and then Psychic," gasped Robert, nervous about the outcome. Psyduck charged the sleeping bird, slapping it multiple times, waking it up, and weakening it up considerably. Next, the Psyduck used Psychic on the Spearow, levitating it high up into the air, and crashed it down on the ground, leaving it weakened. The Spearow wasn't finished yet, and it wasn't about to give up without a decent fight. It started to throw it's electronics at Psyduck, hitting it with video tape after video tape after video tape. It finally threw the Pokeball, which Robert caught, and let Psyduck finish the battle.

"Okay Psyduck, this is over. Use Psychic, and raise Spearow as high into the air as possible, and then bring it down!" Psyduck's eyes glowed purple, indicating the start of a major psychic move. Spearow was levitated high into the atmosphere, above the tree tops, almost towards the clouds, and in a second, was back on the ground, fainted. Robert searched through the pile of stolen electronics until he found his phone, and made a mental note to tell the police about the pile. He tossed the Pokeball at the unconcious spearow, which enveloped it in a flash of light. The ball shook once, twice, three times, and...

[Robert]

If you're wondering why I didn't do this yesterday since the story is so short, I was sick. ^^;

Story/Plot: Better than the normal trainer plots, but it was still pretty plain, although it’s just for a Spearow. Even though the whole idea of a Pokémon being a thief is interesting, most of the story was just Robert chasing after the bird, who just seemed like any other Spearow except for the fact that he liked stealing electronics. Something I really wish you would have done was describing Robert’s predicament in the woods. He was lost, so was he scared? Was he afraid of wild Pokémon? Was it hard to locate food and the wood for his shelter. Just taking the time to tell us more about Robert’s dilemma would have made your story a whole lot better. Just keep in mind that the more you elaborate, the better the plot and the overall story will become.

Introduction: Good enough for a Spearow, but it wasn’t as good as I hoped it would be. You told us the situation, where Robert was, and a bit of what he looked like. However, remember that humans aren’t just clothes. Describe Robert’s hair, eyes, face, body shape (fat, skinny, chunky, short, etc.). Tell us a bit more about his surroundings (was it midday in Pallet Town, were the streets deserted or busy, etc.) The introduction is meant to hook in the reader, so you have to make it as best as you can.

Grammar/Spelling: This was pretty good. Apart from multiple typos (make sure to proofread better!), there was nothing too serious, other than:



When one character addresses another (be it human, Pokémon, or something else), you need a comma before the name of the character being addressed, like how I corrected above.

Other than that, make sure you proofread better! lol I tell that to everybody. ^^;

Length: Perfect.

Description/Detail: This, I’m afraid, wasn’t very good. The only good description I got was Robert’s clothes and the houses in Pallet Town. Things that you need to describe, ALWAYS, are:

- humans (like how I pointed out in the introduction)
- surroundings (I had no idea what the forest looked like or anything else in Pallet Town other than the houses.)
- Pokémon (Yes, this is a Pokémon forum, but you need to describe each Pokémon as though the reader has never seen one. I don’t play my Pokémon Yellow anymore, so I may have only have a faint idea of what a Spearow and a Psyduck look like.)
- attacks (I’ll explain this more in the “Battle” section.)

All those things need to be described, whether you’re going for a Spearow or a Porygon-Z. Just pretend that the reader has been living in their house all their life and know nothing about what anything looks like.

Battle: It was good, but make sure you don’t give the opposing Pokémon too much power. ^^;

Okay, well, you used a variety of attacks, yet they weren’t so well described. Psyduck’s Psychic was okay, but Spearow’s attacks were lost to me. Each and every attack needs to be describe as best as you can, even non-Pokémon attacks, like Spearow throwing the electronics. Also, if you add the Pokémon’s abilities and the surroundings around them, you can the battle even more exciting.

Outcome: I don’t have a problem with saying: Spearow captured! However, I HIGHLY suggest you look over your other stories (especially the Armaldo one), because some of these areas in my grade need serious work if you want to capture a Demanding Pokémon. Take this advice, and use it for the stories you already finished and the ones you are planning to do. Good luck, and enjoy the birdy!

- Kat